“I like spending time at AEGEE -talking to some people- but I’m also fine with just doing my job or unwind by myself.” … “Of course, I love spending time with my friends, but I don’t want to do any of that silly dancing-on-a-bar or sexy-tequila-stuff” … “I am an introvert, but I don’t want to be left out!”
If this sounds familiar, then you might like this beginner’s guide for introverts to make it a bit easier to mingle with others. However, one fair disclaimer before reading: (1) there is absolutely nothing wrong with regular introversion, (2) extroversion is not a universal ideal, (3) The AEGEEan does not condone the idea that introverts ought to be ‘converted’ to extroversion.
Embrace Your Inner James Bond
One of the hardest things to do for an introvert is to start a conversation. You might spend entire minutes thinking of the perfect opening line, the golden icebreaker, that one thing that will make you sound amazing and cool… but it does not exist. Which is not your fault, by the way: there literally is no perfect opening line. Whenever extroverts start a conversation, they do so with the ‘boring classics’: “hey, how are you?”, “how have you been?” “man, it is chilly in here, is it not?” (or basically anything related to the current weather or temperature).
Do not take my word for it, go check it out for yourself. One golden tip for introverts is to closely listen to other people starting and having a conversation. Listen to what they say, see what they do, memorise and try for yourself. Extroversion is like another language, you learn it best by imitating and practising with native speakers. It is actually kind of cool; you are like a spy, trying to figure out everything about the enemy so you can blend in perfectly (just do not refer to your future friends as ‘the enemy’, though).
Let People Talk About Themselves
You may have already noticed this, but each of the aforementioned ‘boring classic opening lines’ are questions, and this is something extroverts do almost subconsciously. Introverts might want to start conversations with a beautiful statement or a compliment, but people often only reply with a short sentence after a compliment. The great thing about questions is that you kind of force the other person to give a longer reply: he or she has to answer your question.
Asking questions is a great way to keep any conversation going. Even if someone does not ask you a question back, you can still ask them another question: asking a question is like pushing the talk-with-me button.
Not everyone will answer every question, but remember that the one thing everyone is often very talkative about is themselves: everyone is his or her own expert and many people like themselves and their lives, hobbies and interests. So, if you are interested in knowing more about a person, ask them about themselves and the things they have done. If you do not like talking, but love to know more about another person, this strategy is the best. If you execute it rightly, you will only be doing about ten percent of the talking -and that is mostly questions and some short statements about yourself (’cause, be honest: you also have some interesting things to tell about yourself… just not in that much detail).
Online Chatting Is Your Friend
Because some of our friends at AEGEE live in far-off countries, it becomes necessary to chat with them online. However, if you are shy, do not use Skype: use a text-messaging-service like Facebook Messenger or What’s App. This way there are no eyes staring at you, it is just you -cosy in your own room- the other person, whom you cannot see directly, and time.
The great thing about texting is that it makes it already slower to communicate, which serves as a smokescreen for you to think about what you want to say, type it, rewrite it and check it one last time, before you send it to your friend (and he or she will never know that you took your time formulating your words). One of the most stressful things about talking to someone might be that you feel like you have to come up with some brilliant reply as soon as the other person stops talking, but with a text-messaging-service you can chat live, while still having some time to think.
Do Not Forget to Take Some Time for Yourself
Being extremely open and sociable takes a ridiculously high amount of energy from an introvert, and it might take you several months or even years, before extensive social interaction will actually GIVE you energy (yes, that is a thing). So, do not forget to take some time for yourself to recharge.
Moreover, remember that “extroversion comes with the tide”. If you feel great, it is good to try to come out of your shell, but instead, if you feel sad or tired, it is okay, healthy even, to go into full introvert mode. Do not do anything that you do not feel comfortable with; feeling happy, or having to feel happy the entire time, is also unhealthy behaviour (we are people, sometimes we feel terrible and that should be acknowledged).
How to Manage/Survive Parties
Moreover, choose your activities wisely. Sometimes you might feel like you do not fit into the group because you skip some activities or parties, but -let’s be honest- some of them are simply not appealing. Moreover, you do not need to go to all the parties and activities (I mean, come on). However, it is strongly recommended that you see which parties you might enjoy (if only for one hour). For example: traditional-cooking-workshop & traditional-[insert name of country here] party, yes; wet-t-shirt-party, no.
Furthermore, going to an activity does not mean ‘doing everything at that activity’. If, for instance, there is a Karaoke Party, please go (even if you do not want to stand on a stage and sing). It is a great opportunity to mingle with your close friends, without ever going on stage to sing. Nevertheless, if you feel up to it, you can try to go on stage and sing with a group (you know… just in the background so not many people can actually see or hear you). P.s. Extroverts are also often scared to stand on a podium by themselves.
The bottom line is: choose where you want to go to and what you want or do not want to do at an event. Try to push yourself a little bit outside of your comfort zone, but remember: whatever you feel is right IS right.
Speaking of extroverts, they sometimes think that, if you do not go to a party or talk much, you do not like it or do not like them. This, by the way, is a major problem for extroverts: NOT your problem. Nevertheless, it would mean the world to them if you just took part to a party or activity (you do not need to do anything special). And, if you are there, go talk to them and tell them that they should not be “so bloody insecure”.
Find Your Go-To-Guy/Gal
For a final tip, when at activities, parties or anywhere else, a conversation can go stale without it being your fault. The other person you are talking to is not feeling so well, he or she is sad, you two just do not click, et cetera (this is also an extrovert’s problem). However, even though it is not your fault, you still feel a bit silly for being all alone in a crowd. That is why it is helpful, if not important, to have a ‘go-to-guy’ or a ‘go-to-gal’: a person you can always go to at an event to socialise with (if only for a couple of minutes, until you can socialise with someone else… for example, your best friend). It is a great way to not feel alone, and a great way not to feel left out in a group.
If anything else fails, however, bring a book (okay, maybe not to a party). ‘Cause, whenever everyone is bored or is having uninteresting conversations, you are inside a captivatingly rich world. It is a tip that I personally took to heart and, probably, the best one anyone has ever given me.
Written by Willem Laurentzen, AEGEE-Nijmegen